Anger Management 101

Being a therapist comes with a lot of expectations and maybe some unwritten rules to life. I'm pretty convinced that graduate school was less about learning skills, because I think most of us already have them, and more about dealing with our own shit. Maybe this is why I didn't find it too difficult: I had been dealing with my shit for years. But being a therapist in training, you'd better have your shit together, to some degree at least. Heaven forbid that those of us in helping positions show any indication that we're human and suffer with the same emotions. I might be wrong here, but I think something that helps me form good rapport with my clients is that I'll be honest about my struggles with depression, anxiety, and anger. I tell them to show them that, while I can't understand what it's like to be them, I can at least relate to their emotions. Boy, if they only knew. I was a complete wreck growing up. I have some good memories, but I'm not sure I can remember feelings of happiness. Rather, I was trying like mad to just survive. I was confused, sad, lost, and angry all at once most days. I'm not going to sit here and place blame on anyone or anything, but I think this had a lot to do with trauma I experienced and the unpredictable nature of my home life. I never knew what to expect on any given day. Remind me to someday talk about how this might be why I feel some kind of comfort in chaotic situations. Anyway, I was an angry kid, and an angry young man as I got older. I had a ton of resentments for my parents, and I hated the world. I didn't outwardly show it, but my way was to isolate, be quiet, and do my own thing. The thing is, that wasn't working either. It just gave me more time to build the resentments even more, and to even build new ones. 


I don't know why it never occurred to me that I had some anger management problems. I mean, it probably wasn't hard for others to see. Let's see, me punching a windshield after UNLV lost to the Duke Blue Devils; not a typical reaction for most, I don't think. My hand paid the consequences there. Or how about the time I flipped a table at work because my boss wouldn't give me the Pink Floyd shirt that I wanted....that I eventually did get....but no longer have because shirts wear out. I don't know how many times I ripped an article of clothing, Hulk Hogan style, because if I was going to show my anger, I was going to at least be awesome about it. I did this after losing a basketball game. My friend and I were so enraged that we both ripped our jerseys apart. Never mind our other friend who kept saying they made a mistake on the scoreboard and that we had actually won. Well, it turned out to be true. We had won that game, and I had to sew my jersey back together, only to lose the very next game. I think the angriest I've ever felt was when I lived underneath the absolute worst neighbors int the history of mankind....ever! That's an entire chapter of a book, but I'll say this: That was the first and only time in my life I seriously wanted to kill someone. I decided to move instead.


Hopefully, you get the point. I've struggled with anger, and I've come a long way. I haven't punched any windshields or ripped any clothing off my body in a long time. At least, not on purpose. I ripped a pair of pants at work while playing basketball, from my crotch all the way past my knee. That was awesome! But I do still struggle with anger. As I write this, I'm struggling with anger, and that's why I'm doing this. I'm dealing with it this way, in the moment. I share it because....I don't know. I think I long for understanding. Where I work, we teach kids that anger is most often a secondary emotion, which I think can be valuable. I think it can be valuable to dig deeper, and get at the roots of our anger, in order to actually deal with the root causes. But I also think we don't have to overdo it. For me, I most often feel angry when I feel invalidated. When I put time and energy, or parts of myself into something, and it isn't acknowledged in some way, it can feel pretty invalidating, and that leads me feeling angry. More to the point, feeling invalidated hurts. It hurts when I put myself out there in some way, and it feels like it isn't noticed.


I think because of my upbringing and childhood, I've struggled with making connections, or feeling like others actually understand or care. I'm someone who needs to see it more than I need to hear it. Someone can tell me all day long how much they love and understand me, but if they don't show it, I don't believe it. I don't know where this stems from. I don't know if my parents told me they loved me, and then didn't show it like I needed it. What I mean is, they were supportive and provided me with food, clothes, toys....lord knows, education, sports, activities, etc....but I never felt supported emotionally. I still don't. I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself, but I just wonder if this plays into my struggles with validation.


At some point in my life, I started to recognize patterns that weren't healthy for me. I think it mostly started happening when I signed up for my Family Violence class. This was the first time anyone got me thinking critically about my childhood and family. It was there that I recognized that I had resentments, anger, sadness, anxiety, and confusion about my life. It was the first time I started to ask questions. It just so happens, I was also learning about Buddhism, Taoism, and other forms of spirituality. This meant that I was learning about meditation, which in some way forced me to sit down with my emotions and just be. It really allowed me to separate myself from the emotions, as I learned that emotions and thoughts are like clouds going through the great blue sky of my mind. I loved that idea and it helped me to detach. 


I learned that I had to learn how to untie the knots of anger. As Thich Nhat Hanh described:


When someone insults us or does something unkind to us, an internal formation is created in our consciousness. If you don’t know how to undo the internal knot and transform it, the knot will stay there for a long time. And the next time someone says something or does something to you of the same nature, that internal formation will grow stronger. As knots or blocks of pain in us, our internal formations have the power to push us, to dictate our behavior.


In other words, I would sit down sometimes three times per day and acknowledge my emotions. I would ask myself if I was going to allow the emotion to dictate my day and behavior, or if I was going to. For me, the answer was easy. I would be driving the bus because I have the freedom of choice. Meditation allowed me to start untying the knots of anger and other emotions I had never dealt with. 


Another concept I really liked was the idea of venting. Now, I think venting can be helpful, but it depends on how you're doing it. Something I learned that venting with anger only helps you crystalize the internal formation even more. So even if you're punching a pillow, you're rehearsing anger, rather than actually dealing with. I remember reading about treating your anger like it's a child. Anger is there to communicate something to you.


Imagine a mother getting angry with her baby and hitting him when he cries. That mother does not know that she and her baby are one. We are mothers of our anger and we have to help our baby, our anger, not fight and destroy it. Our anger is us and our compassion is also us.


Mindfulness does not fight anger or despair. Mindfulness is there in order to recognize. To be mindful of something is to recognize that something is there in the present moment. Mindfulness is the capacity of being aware of what is going on in the present moment. “Breathing in, I know that anger has manifested in me; breathing out, I smile towards my anger.” This was one of the most helpful mediations for me, and you can substitute anger with any emotion. This is not an act of suppression or of fighting. It is an act of recognizing. Once we recognize our anger, we embrace it with a lot of awareness, a lot of tenderness.

When it is cold in your room, you turn on the heater, and the heater begins to send out waves of hot air. The cold air doesn’t have to leave the room for the room to become warm. The cold air is embraced by the hot air and becomes warm—there’s no fighting at all between them.We practice taking care of our anger in the same way. Mindfulness recognizes anger, is aware of its presence, accepts and allows it to be there. Mindfulness is like a big brother who does not suppress his younger brother’s suffering. At least, I hope not. 

Another concept I learned is that the lotus flower cannot grow from marble. It grows in mud. This reminds me that to see the beauty of the lotus, we have to be patient and be willing to go through the difficulties of life in order to gain true freedom. It helps remind me that when I'm going through something difficult, there is something to be gained. 

When anger comes up in us, we should begin to practice mindful breathing right away: “Breathing in, I know that anger is in me. Breathing out, I am taking good care of my anger.” We behave exactly like a mother: “Breathing in, I know that my child is crying. Breathing out, I will take good care of my child.” This is the practice of compassion. I practiced this one night when a neighbor of mine decided that three in the morning was the perfect time to blast Neil Diamond through the walls. I felt like punching a hole in the wall, or going around to his door and telling him what to do with his music. Instead, I forced myself to sit down by that wall and acknowledge my anger. It helped. It didn't make the music go away, but it helped me deal with it in a better way.

When anger arises, continue to practice mindful breathing and mindful walking to generate the energy of mindfulness. Continue to embrace tenderly the energy of anger within you. Anger may continue to be there for sometime, but you are safe. 

As always, I wish you peace, joy, happiness, and love. I hope this is helpful, insightful, entertaining, or whatever you want it to be. Thanks for reading and being supportive.

Looking Forward....

If you're reading this, you probably know me well enough to know that I spent a good amount of years trying to fit in, or trying to figure out what "normal" was. My family and upbringing, while normal to me, probably didn't look normal to those on the outside looking in, though we did a good job of pretending like everything was okay. At least, I think we did a good job of that, but now that I think of it, it wouldn't be that difficult to spot.

Growing up, I always felt different. Never mind that I was gifted with being the middle child. That would be hard enough in any "normal" family, but when you throw in alcoholism, emotional abuse, and trauma into the mix, you might start to understand why my idea of normal might be a tad askew. For years I believed that something was wrong with me, that I was perhaps addicted to pain and suffering. But I've discovered that maybe I'm comfortable with some amount of crazy; some amount of unpredictability, and that even though it triggers some amount of anxiety, I know how to navigate my way through that. 

Somewhere along the way, I recognized that whatever "normal" was, I wasn't it. I didn't go to church like everyone else, and even when my friends didn't, they at least had something they were running from on Sundays. Sundays to me meant football, and hoping that my dad didn't decide to have a random house deep clean, where I'd be holding back tears trying to decide which toys to keep or throw away. I didn't have anywhere to run to. I relied on my older brother, who was just a year and a half older than me, but I couldn't go to my parents because they were often the cause of a lot of my anxiety. I learned to withdraw, keep it to myself, and I would often seek escape in books and movies. And you wonder why I still have a passion for these things. They were my safe place. Pretending like I was flying the Millennium Falcon was easier than questioning why my parents were fighting, and why mom was threatening to leave again. 

Growing up, things were always unpredictable. I never knew what to expect, but I was pretty sure I could expect the worst. It used to amaze me, how my dad would notice the most insignificant marks on the wall, and somehow know that my brother and I threw a ninja star straight into it. But I never did know what to expect, but anytime I saw his truck turn the corner to come home, my stomach would drop and I'd go through my day, trying to figure out where and how I messed up. I was constantly on high alert, ready to defend myself, apologize, and try to forget about whatever I had done wrong. But forgetting about it was never easy. I'd most often blame myself and wish I could do something different to make my parents proud. 

It seemed that I could never please anyone. I was letting down my community by not going to church. My teachers often criticized me for being too quiet. The librarian was falsely accusing me of stealing books. In sports, I wasn't aggressive enough. I wasn't smart enough to understand math. Even if I was getting complimented, it seems that the bad outweighed the good, and this shaped my narrative, that I was all alone; that I could trust no one but myself, even though I believed I was stupid. I believed that anything I did, wouldn't be good enough, but I'd keep trying to please everyone just to fit in.

And this leads me to the title of this. No more. I'm not living up to your expectations anymore. My happiness is too important. I spent too much of my life trying to fit in to someone else's definition of normal and all it got me was years of depression, anxiety, confusion, anger, and resentments. I can honestly say that from age 18 to 32, I was not being my authentic self. I was trying desperately to fit in, and it hurts to admit, but I have to be honest. I sometimes feel like I wasted those years and I regret that I can't have them back. I would do so many things different. But I can't. I can only move forward and live according to my expectations. No apologies. I feel like I'm still young emotionally and mentally because of that. Fourteen years of my life were put on hold trying to live my life to please others, and that isn't going to be a thing anymore. I feel like I'm waking up again, and rediscovering parts of me I had forgotten. I feel like I've literally been relearning who I am over the past ten years or so. What a healthy relationship is, both to myself and others. Lord knows I didn't know before that. Some of you might not understand or even accept this, and that's okay. But hopefully some of you will. So looking forward, I might offend you, you might not agree with me, and I might even come across as childish. Who cares? I'm trying to live my life in a way that I can feel happy. I invite you to join me.

The End.

P.S. Again, this really isn't about sympathy or feeling bad for me. I'm not seeking that at all, but I think understanding between humans is important....whether it involves me or not. So much of the hatred we see in the world, I think, at it's roots is misunderstanding. How many people feel misunderstood every day? Probably a lot, and I want to be someone who at least attempts to understand. My aim in life is to cultivate compassion, joy, empathy, happiness, and love in myself and everyone I meet. So, I think maybe this forum can be used in that way.